The effort our Suthern brethrin made for their
rites, rendered the position uv us Northern Dimocrats eggstremely
precarious. We coodent go back on our friends South, for, knowin that
peace must come, and that when it did come we wood hev to, ez in the
olden time, look to them for support and maintenance, it behooved us to
keep on their good side. This wood hev bin easy enuff, but alars! there
are laws agin treason, and two-thirds uv the misguided people north hed
got into a way uv thinkin that the Dimocrasy South had committed that
crime, and they intimated that ef we overstepped the line that divides
loyalty from treason by so much ez the millionth part uv a hair, they'd
make us suffer the penalty they hoped to mete out to them, but wich,
owin to Johnson, they dident, and wat's more, can't. Halleloogy!
But I anticipate. Twict I wuz drafted into a service I detested--twict I
wuz torn from the buzzum uv my family, wich I wuz gittin along well
enough, even ef the wife uv my buzzum wood occasionally git obstinit,
and refooze to give me sich washin money ez wuz nessary to my existence,
preferrin to squander it upon bread and clothes for the
children,--twict, I say, I wuz pulled into the servis, and twict I wuz
forced to desert to the Dimocrisy uv the south, rather than fite agin
em. When finally the thumb uv my left hand wuz acksidentally shot off,
owin to my foot becomin entangled into the lock uv my gun, wich thumb
wuz also accidentally across the muzzle thereof, and I wuz no longer
liable to military dooty and cood bid Provost Marshels defiance, I only
steered clear uv Scylla to go bumpin onto Charybdis.
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